Adult son refuses to attend parent's 1 PM Christmas "dinner" because he'd have to get up at 7AM to prepare the turkey: 'For context, I buy the Turkey at £130'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Dec 20, 2024 12:00 PM EST

I remember being so frustrated as a kid and into my teenage years as my extended family tried to optimize Christmas further and further every year to ease the burden on the family member hosting. And, to be fair, with a large extended family hosting a holiday was no small thing, and being young and completely blind to the exhaustive burden that life as an adult brings, I didn't appreciate that an additional monumental task of planning, cooking, cleaning and hosting that having the family around required.

Still, as part of these optimizing processes, dinner seemed to be served earlier and earlier each year in an effort to get everyone in and out as early as possible. The thing was, all I and my many cousins really wanted to do was play for as long as possible, and every attempt to optimize proceedings stood in direct opposition to that. Even worse, it eventually reached a point like it did in this account of events shared by this user, where things really stopped being "Holiday Dinners" and became more of a holiday lunch or mid-afternoon snack. 

So, is the poster in the wrong here for not wanting to attend a 1 PM dinner with his family? Seems like another somewhat silly thing that is treated seriously in the broader scope of extended family.

Even more important is the fact that his main concern here seems to be the timing of preparing the turkey, for which he is responsible, which takes many hours of work and would require him to get up incredibly early in order to make that timing. And it's an unspoken rule of these engagements that the person responsible for the main centerpiece of the meal gets the ability to dictate the meal times.

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  • 02
    AITA for not attending Christmas dinner with my family because it's at 1 o'clock in the afternoon? For context, I buy the Turkey at £130, dry brine it for 2 days, cook it, take it to my mums house and then cook all of the trimmings while I'm there. This involves many hours of work from me as you can imagine and I have to wake up at 7AM to get all of the timings right.
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  • 03
    The problem with this is that my partner and I barely get any time together on Christmas Day, we'd like to wake up, have a coffee, spend time together, open presents, maybe have a light breakfast and then get to cooking dinner at midday.
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  • 04
    We don't usually eat breakfast or lunch as we intermittent fast and we're never hungry for a giant plate of roasted food at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, effectively ruining the Christmas meal for us anyway.
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  • 05
    When children were involved and everyone had to get home early I compromised, even though I still didn't really understand the whole eating at midday thing, but this year now the youngest child in attendance is 12 I tried to meet them in the middle and say could we maybe have it at 3?
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  • 06
    I've been told that I'm selfish and that I don't compromise and that this is ridiculous. Thus I've decided that my partner and I will go round to see the family in the afternoon but not eat dinner with them. We'll have our own meal at home in the evening, saving me money and allowing us to have the Christmas morning we've not had since we first lived together in 2018.
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  • 07
    Additionally, I'll be able to experiment with flavour for once, sous vide a turkey crown, use the giblets for the gravy etc. I also feel it necessary to add that everyone rushes off as soon as they've finished eating anyway, there would usually be 8 people in attendance including us and except my mum and brother everyone else leaves, I think it wouldn't be so bad if we spent the day together after the meal?
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  • 08
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: Not attending Christmas dinner with my family. It'd make me the ah le because of the reason why I'm not attending (it's at 1pm), because I usually cook it and because it's important to them.
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  • 09
    General Relative28... NTA. It doesn't sound like your family knows what the word compromise means.
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  • 10
    fiestafan73 · 22h ago. "You're not willing to compromise by doing EXACTLY what we want!" Your family sounds delightful for a holiday. Create a new holiday tradition for yourself. But also, who spends that much on a turkey?! NTA
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    cynical_overlord 1979 INFO: Are all the people rushing off doing so to attend a second Christmas event (for dinner)? This is usually what happens at Xmas for couples where both partners have family in the same city. It does seem like this is the most obvious explanation of why your family does lunch and then people leave immediately afterwards. So this could be the explanation of why they cannot compromise on time.
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  • 12
    It is still unfair to put all the effort of cooking the main dish on the person who doesn't want to have it at lunch and has to start prepping at 7am on Xmas day. Drop that rope. If they want you there for midday they don't get you to make the roast, that's just not reasonable.
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  • 13
    LoveBeach8 • 22h ago. NTA The holiday meals in my family growing up were always at 1pm and I LOATHED it. It wasn't lunch, it ruined dinner, and was h I to get up and get everything ready. Who the f wants to do all that when it spoils the whole day and no one feels like moving for the rest of the day? Then there's the mess afterwards and all the leftovers to organize, divide up and pack away.
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  • 14
    Spend it with your partner. Offer to come by later with a dessert to share. Or visit the next day. You can't be in 2 places at the same time and you deserve to have your own traditions now.
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  • 15
    • carlosmurphynachos 22h ago • NTA. Sounds like you're being used for a free meal. Especially if people just eat and dash. Does no one else contribute to the dinner? Do your own thing and don't feel guilty. There are 6 other people to pull off that meal.
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    Oma2Fae • 22h ago • Important question...if everyone leaves right after the meal, who's doing the cleaning up afterwards?
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    AnyProgram8084 • 22h ago • 130 British pounds for a turkey! Can you confirm that's the real price? I might need to start a food shipment business from the US where the things run wild in my yard. /s
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  • 18
    AHO TA_totellornottotell • 22h ago. NTA. I would say this to them - 'Anybody who thinks that I am being selfish is welcome to be selfless and cook the turkey and trimmings yourself. And I will just do what you all get to do every Christmas morning - have a leisurely Christmas morning opening presents and just show up for the meal. Now who is the one being selfish?'
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  • 19
    Honestly, this is such absolute rubbish. Moving this a few hours makes sense if it would make life easier for the person who is doing all of the work. I mean, isn't that what Christmas is all about - family? I would just tell them now that you will not be doing any cooking and will just come visit. Even if this doesn't become your annual tradition from this year, you should at least get this break every other year.
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christmas family dynamics family drama aita family holidays extended family family adult children holidays parents
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